Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
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