You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
