david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
