i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
