If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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