Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
