At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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