I'm so fucking centered right now
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
