He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
