I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
