You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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