I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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