Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
