my mouth tastes like poor choices
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
