ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
