She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
