By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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