highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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