Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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