I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
