What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
