She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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