yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
