Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
