i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
