What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
