Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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