If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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