I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
