it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
