I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
