I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
