i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You left your phone here
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