please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
