chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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