I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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