I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
