did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
