I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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