you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
