I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
