she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
