I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
