Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
