I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
