I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
