Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
