I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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