So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
