remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
