somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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