i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
