the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
