I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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